Mother's Day Feelings

I hate Mother’s Day. It catches me off guard every year. The first year after I lost my mother I walked into Walmart and there was a display with all those beautiful heart wrenching cards and I burst into tears and had to leave. I learned after a few years to stay away from the stores during Mother’s Day season. See I used to perch myself in the card aisle and see which one might make me cry the hardest, that’s the one that I always got my mom. Not because I was being mean, but she loved a good heart felt sentiment. And I totally get it, I’m the same damn way. Maybe that’s why I became a writer. Words have so much impact on us.  I always hated that little ditty, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me…” bull fucking shit!  Throw those stones baby, they heal. Words, on the other hand, once heard cannot be unheard.

So, 16 years, 3 months and 12 days since my mother died, I am still mourning her. I still miss her pain in the ass self. I loved my mother beyond the normal I have been told and you know what that’s okay with me. I have never been unrealistic, she was a pain in my ass, demanding, stubborn, a terrible mother when we were growing up, BUT she loved us. She loved us so much and made many many sacrifices for both of us. She was there for us. She cried when we cried. She hurt when we hurt. She held us against those big boobies and we blubbered our heads off. Nothing like a mom hug, ever. She was amazing as a person, people loved her. She was funny and sweet and a total fucking bitch at times. I chuckle here, I guess that’s part of her Gemini nature.

I spent a lot of hours in counseling over some of the shit she put me through as a kid, but she also gave me the opportunity to scream and holler and tell her how I felt about all of it. She explained what she could and the parts she couldn’t, she admitted to being wrong, apologized and held me while I cried in her arms and rested my head against that comforting mound of flesh. I think the worst thing she did was loving my brother more than she loved me. She would have chosen him every time over me and I know that. So did anyone who ever spent any time with our family. It was blatantly obvious and painfully embarrassing for me. People actually commented on it TO ME. Which made it even worse actually, in a way and validated my feelings in another way. When I asked her about it, when I asked her why, she said she had no idea. She said she knew she was doing it, but she felt closer to my brother for some reason. She said mother’s have a special place in their hearts for their boys. So here goes the Shauna logic, or Shauna’s pop psychology of it all…

My brother turned out to be an asshole. Very self-involved and self-centered. Its all about him. But he has three children, he is very close to his daughters and loves them like my mother loved us. He makes sacrifices for them, he is extremely proud of them, well how he raised them anyway, it’s funny, go ahead and laugh. It is all about him you know. He did an excellent job with them. His son, is closer to his mother than he is to my brother. He is the apple of her eye and I have heard things about how the baby momma treats the girls verses the boy child. And that’s perfect actually. My brother gave his girls what I wanted and needed as a child. He made them feel important. He loved them, made them his little princesses and in return they adore him.  He is a good father. He stayed like he always promised he would when we were growing up. NO matter how hard it got between him and his wife, he stayed. He was there for them. He went to every game, every function, every father daughter thing there was. His children knew he was their rock. As far as I know, he has never let them down or disappointed them. Which is all due to my mother, she loved him the same way. I can guarantee if I ask his kids, he has cried with them every time they have hurt. He is that kind of a man. And for that I am proud of my brother. Even though he’s an ass. LOL.

Me, well I didn’t turn out so well. I never feel good enough. I never trust that what someone says is what they mean. If someone’s action and words don’t match I am instantly thrown off and suspicious of what they claim. I never had children, mainly because I never found a man who I trusted would be there for his children and I refused to make a baby with someone who wouldn’t make them feel like the center of his universe. And if he couldn’t make me feel that, he sure as hell wasn’t going to be that for his children.  Yep I have trust issues. I can give a certain amount of trust away, no problem. But to actually convince me otherwise, I don’t even know what it takes. Never found it. I’m still hopeful that I will find it in my lifetime. I think all of that comes from not having a male figure in my life growing up too. There are just certain things that a mother can give and other’s that a man can give to their children.  Its why there are so many broken people in this world today. The lack of parenting units is unreal. I admire those who stick it out, who try to make it work. But sometimes that isn’t enough even. So who’s the say what I would have been like. Maybe I was just born insecure and I never will find a satisfactory love in my life. We’ll see. It’s not like I have them breaking down my walls wanting a chance to apply for the job.

Anyway thank you for being here so I could get this out of my system. So to whomever is out there listening. I am sending you the love that you feel you deserve and aren’t getting. 

(c) Shauna Marie 2018 All Rights Reserved