Father's Day
I have so many feelings about Father's day. Every year its difficult and I deal with the guilt of it either way. If I call I feel guilty because I really don't mean the sentiment it's meant to signify. If I don't call I wonder if he gets it, I know he doesn't and is probably hurt, but you know so was I for all of those years growing up.
He wasn't a terrible person, you would probably actually really like him. He's personable, and intelligent and seems to be caring. But, I am 55 and I can't tell you what his favorite book or movie or food or drink or color is.... I can't tell you any of those things about him. I can't tell you what he thinks or how he feels about politics or life in general. I remember one thing, he told us that we have only one childhood, one chance to be single without children and a whole lifetime to be married and have children... try to even it out a bit. This was his advice to a child.
I had ONE conversation with him in my 55 years that was REAL. You know from his heart and I still wonder to this day, why me. Why did he choose me to call and talk it out with? This was years and years ago, the 80's some time late I'm sure, I wasn't all that old. He called and started talking, really talking about how one of his colleagues had committed suicide and several other men had done the same, but this man was his friend. He was afraid, he was feeling vulnerable and he was scared he'd lose his job and go poor. The things he said worried me. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I do remember feeling worried and concerned that he was saying goodbye. So when I hung up, I called my mother and told her about it and she advised me to call my dad's wife. I don't remember if I called her or not but I carried that burden around for a while. I called and checked up on him after that a few times and he was right back to the same cold distant person he always was. It was the first and only time I ever saw a real glimpse into my father.
I missed out on a lot of things that a saw my friends around me getting from their dad's, some good some bad. I had some really good male role models in my life over the years and I think that helped. We had a family next door to us growing up, he was a good man and father of 5. My uncle was an incredible father and man and husband. A couple more, and for them I am grateful and hope their families celebrate them every single day of the year, not just on Father's Day. I know I think about them every year and wish them well.
My mom was the dad in the house. She played both roles and well. But there is something you just miss out on without that man to hold you and tell you you're special and worth more than anything in the world. Teach you what it feels like and should be when man loves you when you grow up. Is that good or bad? I don't know, I've often wondered that over the years observing these people who grew up with wonderful dad's. Some never find that man who makes them feel like a princess and they marry and divorce and marry again, looking, I think, for that one man like their father. Not that they have daddy issues, just that they want to feel the way their mother's felt and wanted to have a man like daddy. Some find a good man the first time around and stay married forever, some happily some not so much.
Daddy's play an important role in our lives, they teach us things they aren't even aware of. Mine did and I often wonder if those things were that he wished he'd never had kids. He did tell us without telling us that we were only lovable on the occasional weekend outing. My brother and I would call him sometimes and both of us would "embellish" our successes and NEVER tell the failures. He didn't want to hear the reality of it all. This practice continued into our adulthood and once I reflected enough on it, realized that I really wasn't talking to my dad. I was lying to a man I didn't even know. That's when I stopped calling. Don't get me wrong, I still got and get the obligatory call on my birthday, but a call just to say how are you? NEVER. I tried and tried so many times to connect with him and ended up crying in my mother's arms because of the constant rejection. But I have to thank him for those lessons, now I just take rejection in stride and move on to the next. It also makes it difficult for a man to get to know me. You think maybe this is why I never married or had children?
Anyway, I hope that you had a great male in your young life to teach you that you deserve to be loved and made to feel special. You deserve to feel safe and loved in the arms of a good man who see's you. really see's you for who you are and what you've been through and loves all of those parts of you that aren't so pretty, along with the good beautiful parts.
Please share your thoughts by leaving me a message either here or email me at shaunamariesblog@gmail.com
Until next time....
Hugs
Shauna Marie
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